Through Tear Drops and Sins
by Aiko Kitty Skywalker
Summary: Rogue must reflect upon her life as she feels her loneliness and dispare over power her with the loss of Logan. "As depression creeps and memories weep, she stands alone through her teardrops and sins."


Title: Through Teardrops and Sins

Author: Aiko "Kitty" Skywalker

E-mail: aiko_kitty_skywalker@hotmail.com

Rating: PG-13

Second Summary: As depression creeps and memories weep, she stands alone through her teardrops and sins.

Disclaimer: I don't own X-men and its related characters.

Other notes: This is my FIRST X-Men fic so please be kind. I have written fanfics before, I have even been published but this is my first X-Men fanfiction. I own the poem "Through Tear Drops and Sins" in this poem so if you wish to use it, heaven forbid if anyone ever shall, please ask.

As depression creeps and memories weep

She stands alone through her tears drops and sins –

As the world crumbles and shatters as her heart breaks and tares

She stands alone through her teardrops and sins –

As I walk alone through the endless trees of ever green and pine, as I walk through the fields of my home, my silent yet over crowded home I can't seem to pull my mind away from him.

The place is so crowded as I walk alone, alone. As I walk alone I wonder, what's this thing called life about? It's all a misshapen piece of trash through which my hopes and dreams lay shattered and splattered across the floor.

I'm only eighteen and my life is flashing before my eyes. The rhythmic pulsing of his mind within mine misshapes my memories. It was only a year ago that he left, but it feels like an eternity. I wish that my mind could calm with my thoughts that tingle before my mind's eye, and only my own thoughts, yet his still tangle and dance with my own. Leading in a rhythmic sway of an elegant ballroom dance, but at other times a thunderous rock concert on which my thoughts and his bounce and tangle in the most painful way.

And as the world begins to crumble and her mind is a mixed up jumble

All she can do is cry –

And as her mind grows crooked and wicked, uncontrollable and depressing

All she can do is sin –

I'm alone in a world do darkened mystery. I run through the halls, I walk through the forest, neither one seems to calm my desires to leave this shaken mystery and depressing piece of my history.

It all started with him. Well I couldn't quite say it all started with him, it all actually started with me. I was alone in the world; I had nearly destroyed a life and my mind still rung with the thoughts and memories of the one I nearly destroyed. I shouldn't have touched him, but yet at the time his lips seemed so inviting. A coma the doctors said, it was only a coma. Three weeks they said, only three weeks.

Yet through those three weeks I had never been so alone in my life.

I hurt him, my boyfriend, my life at the time. By hurting him I destroyed my only reason for existence. True he wasn't that important to me it was just he was my first boyfriend. It rocked my world and scared me when I hurt him. I can still remember that moment lying deeply embedded in my brain.

And when he awoke it wasn't any easier to live with.

Her life lay in shackles her past laid in waste

And all she could do was dwell in her reminisce of him –

Her past lay hidden by mist from those who wanted to see

And she couldn't let them in –

They called me a mutant they called me a freak. I ran like the devil himself was on my tail. I wouldn't stop running until I met him. I reached the Canadian Rockies, far away from my southern home. I had never been to Canada, it was cold for the time of year I had never truly experienced such cold. The small town I went to seemed to scarcely populated it almost frightened me.

But when I went into that bar and I looked up at the cage I could see a man leaning forwards, dripping water over his face. I felt a sudden feeling of security, although I knew this man for some reason wasn't someone to be toyed with. My emotions scared me at the sudden impulse of security and longing, I had never truly experienced before. Through my months of running I felt for a moment that I was home.

He fought in the cage, something I had never seen before. I had seen fights in the schoolyard over stupid little things like who would take whom to the dance in Friday night. Those fights at the time had seemed to dangerous, seemed so ruthless, yet they seemed like little kittens fighting over a ball of string compared to this.

One man entered the ring to fight the man whom I had felt so securely about. He fought and punched, kicked and gouged at my man in the corner. Yet when my man raised his fist and fist met fist the sound of metal hitting bone rung through my ears. I could see the challenger wince in pain as a dark and shooting pain ran up his arm. The beating from the security man continued and before I knew it the fight was over.

There was a bar room fight later on. He left the place, having being banished for being a mutant. I ran after him and hid within his stuff in a trailer he pulled behind his truck. For some reason I felt safe lying there in the whipping wind and nipping cold.

When he found me I was told to leave, yet for some unknown reason he let me stay.

That was when it all spun in circles. My future lay in his hands from that point on. I went from being a southern girl, to fighting with the X-men in New York City.

All thanks to my security man.

That security man's name was Logan, and that name shall forever rock my memories for all of he remaining time of my life, which seems to be diminishing as the moments pass.

Darkness plays in dancing sways as past and present mingle gaily in display

And her darkened mind deserts her heart –

As memories play and the future sways alone from a single string from the highest cliff

Her heart gives in to the mysterious ways of depression –

I can feel everything I've worked so hard to build fall apart. After everything we went through with the X-Men, after everything that happened to the two of us, my savior, my security man left me to standalone.

Logan left over a year ago and it all seemed to fall apart from there. My life stood in the grips of endless loneliness and deception like the strong and bailing winds of a hurricane. It was as though I had reached out for someone's hand to hold but I had been kicked and beaten the to floor.

People told me to forget him, forget my security man. Yet for the eight months I was on my own he was the only thing that made me feel like I wasn't anymore, he made me feel like I had a home.

Yet here at the Xavier Institute, the place I know is my home, I don't feel like I belong. This isn't my home, my home is with him, and my home is roaming the world with him by my side, helping him to figure out whatever he lost.

I wanted to tell him why I ran; yet I never got the chance. There were millions of things I could think now that I would love to say, millions of things I thought of saying before he left.

I missed him so much that I turned away from the life that I lead. My marks went down the drain and my teachers were worried sick. I had joined up with the X-Men as a fighter when it was almost tie for graduation; I had valid Victorian grasped tight in my hands. 

Yet I lost it. I turned to drugs and alcohol. I went to parties that I knew I shouldn't have gone to, I left the institute when I was told I couldn't leave, and a million other things. My friends couldn't live to see me like this and still remain my friend so they turned their backs, or maybe it was me who turned my back on them. That I don't think I shall ever know.

My teachers were worried even Professor Xavier himself was worried sick. Yet I was selfish and my depleting care for my self worth and the way I look disgusted even the kindest at the Mutant High. Things changed when he left, oh things did chance.

I didn't go on any more missions with the X-Men. I was usually to drunk or stoned to even know what was going on.

Sins of great exasperations

Drove her to cry, drove her to cry –

Tears of overflowing depression

Drove her to sin, drove her to sin –

And as I sinned I cried every night after it all. I cried when I was drunk, I cried when I was stoned, I cried when I was sober, it all didn't make sense.

My crying scared me and my sadness scared me. Everything fell down the tubes when the crying continued and I continued to sin, I continued to deplete my life; it all seemed to end without a second thought.

And all that time I realized, it was Logan's thoughts that scared me. Not what he was thinking per say but that it was he. I could hear what he was thinking at that exact moment, what he wad doing, what he was worrying about, what he wasn't. It all scared me, it all reminded me of him.

So here I stand now, alone in the world. I'm not in my room or the hallways, or the forest I love so much that gave me my only tranquility. I'm not hearing his thoughts roam within his head, I could only hear my own.

My own are telling what I'm going to do. I'm running and I can't stay. I'm running again, just as I did when it all happened at the beginning with my abilities hurting my first boyfriend. Maybe if I were capable of human contact I wouldn't be running right now, but I can't even have the comfort of human contact anymore. That is what I realize right now that I crave.

If only there was a way…

But there isn't you see.

So I can't stay and live through the tears and raining sins. Maybe when I leave this place, when I leave the place I know should be my home I shall live my life the way I want to live it. Without contact, without the pain of watching people touch one another. I want to live out his thoughts without someone else to cloud what he's saying. I want to hear him without the obligation of life to stand strong.

I have a backpack slung over my shoulder and a helmet on my head. I walk over towards one of the motorbikes on the western side of the garage. Scott had shown me how to ride earlier in the year about two weeks after Logan left. I never thought the skill would ever come in handy.

But it was. I got onto the bike and started the motor. It was midnight and the full moon played behind the clouds. Yet I could still see the light pattern of the moon behind the large gaping clouds protruding from the sky.

I took off into the night. I had never felt so free before as I did at that moment. Not at any time during my eight months of being on my own was I ever free per say and never when I was with anyone at the mansion.

I was free to be guided by my senses, or should I say Logan' senses. I let my mind wonder but yet something staid intent on the road. It was Logan's mind, still looking after me after all of this time. He had been in a coma for a month after he had given me his energy, so it would mean that I've had Logan inside of my mind for thirteen months. Now I know that I'm alone yet for some reason or another, I'm not. He's driving the motorcycle and I'm holding onto his waste through everything that happens.

But she's free yet her memories catch up and over cloud

And still she cries –

And as her freedom lies and weaves into her mind

She sins, oh yes she sins –

But yet I can feel him, oh yes I feel him, inside my head still over clouding my thoughts. I seemed to be free, I know that I'm free, yet now I'm captured by the over baring weight of him. I still love him, oh I know I do, and now that I'm free I know that still the over baring weight of it all is crashing down upon me like weights of a tone.

Oh Wolverine, my Logan, why do you still torment me? Why don't you leave me be, or come back to stay? I need you can't you see that? I need you Logan! I need you Wolverine! I need you!

But no one answers my calls. My mind is silenced my thoughts are my own.

For the first time in months I am quiet.

I took my helmet off my head and placed it onto my handle bar. I stared in a frightened manor around me, as if to find the person that had suddenly stopped talking, suddenly stopped me from thinking a certain way.

It frightens me so. I've never felt so alone before as I did at that moment. My freedom still reigns, but my solitary confinement scares me so.

Logan where are you? Wolverine, where is your safety?

I need you…I need you…

I stop the bike suddenly, nearly throwing myself over the front handles.

Have you ever felt that feeling? Such a scary thought, being alone in the world, and you felt so insecure?

I feel like I'm centered in solitary confinement, alone before I even realized that I was ever with someone.

My thoughts were so bewildered, my mind raced, where is he? Where am I? What am I going to do?

I sinned again I realize that now. I sinned.

I left them, I ran away again. Another sin to call my own.

They're going to worry about me, they're going to hate me, and they're going to despise me.

I betrayed Professor X, I betrayed the X-Men, and I betrayed the institute, my home. For a brief moment I thought of going back there. For only a moment did it even occur to me to even think about going back there. But yet a single moment later I realized that wasn't my home anymore. Not anymore. I was heading to where my senses were telling me to go.

But where were my senses telling me to go? I don't know anymore.

So here I am, standing in the center of the right hand lane, the only lane going towards the north. I realized this after thinking for a while. I was heading north.

And that's where I want to be. I want to be in Canada with him.

It's him that I crave so longingly. It's him. I'm going to him.

My mind suddenly galloped and smiled and a small but piercing smile danced onto my face, the first smile I had smiled since he had left.

But when I smiled and realized this I began the engine again.

But not fast enough.

I could feel a shattering pain hit me and I could hear the shattering of the bike's backlights.

Alone she lies

Through her tear drops and sins –

Will she die through it all?

Death is only to know –

I look backwards at what had crashed into my back. I screamed wildly and hit my head against the back windshield of the vehicle that had come smashing into my back end. This is it.

Good-bye Logan, goodbye. I've been hit Logan, I've been hit.

I spilled out onto the concrete. The driver ran out of the car towards me. My helmet had been thrown off my handle and cracked on the cement. I could hear the driver yell to me.

"Kid! Kid are you all right? Kid are you all right? Kid you in there? Kid?"

The voice I knew was yelling, but I could barely hear it. I realize right now that I hadn't started fast enough. The driver didn't even have a chance to swerve. He crunched my back end and now I was dying.

Logan…Logan…

Tears roll down my cheeks, stinging my bleeding face. My sin did me in, Professor I'm sorry, Scott I'm sorry, Jean I'm sorry, Ororo I'm sorry, my friends I'm sorry…I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Logan…I'm sorry.

And I know there's only one thing I want to say before I die, only one single thing. I can't breathe, but yet I know my last breath is going to use.

"Logan…I'm sorry…"

As depression creeps and memories weep

She stands alone through her tears drops and sins –

As the world crumbles and shatters as her heart breaks and tares

She stands alone through her teardrops and sins –

The End

I hope you enjoyed this fic very much. I had a tough time writing it although I was dying to do so.

Please review or send me an e-mail at aiko_kitty_skywalker@hotmail.com.

Have a good day!

Aiko "Kitty" Skywalker 

A Heart at Midnight (www.geocities.com/aheartatmidnight): A website dedicated to the arts of poetry and writing, dedicated to my writings under the name of Kat and other famous writings and quotes from history.


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